Heya Springleapers!
Well Sunday is Mother’s day so today’s blog is a little bit of motherly love for ya!
Some moms are cool. Some moms are not. I have a relatively cool mother. I would say on a scale of zero to Courtney Love, she gets about a 6.5. She has recently started using Facebook and even knows how to send a text message. Really, she is growing as a person everyday.
She also knows quite a lot about horticulture. I know this because last month when I went to visit her, she was commenting on just how wonderful it is that my youngest brother has taken to gardening. Yes, that’s what she calls it. She even takes the time to water his “plants” and feeds them ground coffee- apparently this is the best kind of food for plants. What did I tell you? When you’re cool, you’re cool.
Most of the time, she takes her parenting role very seriously. You know, fending for the young one’s, ensuring they are well fed and always have clean underwear. Recently though, I’ve noticed she has dropped the ball. It appears she no longer cuts the crusts off the sandwiches she makes for my brother to take to work. I’m guessing she just doesn’t have the time, since she has taken to sending me 113 emails per day. Just the basics you know, chain mails, sentimental poetry, updates on my grandfather’s intestinal health and the occasional recipe.
As cool as she is, the following is a list of 20 things I’ll probably never ever hear my mother say:
1. If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?
2. I don’t mind if you borrow my nurse outfit, but at least have the decency to return it washed and ironed.
3. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day for you.
4. That outfit isn’t sexy enough. Do you want to be a virgin forever? Here, unbutton that shirt and try it with a shorter skirt. That one makes you look a bit like the Von Trapps’ latest au pair.
5. Why don’t you just hitchhike darling? It would totally be cheaper than taking a taxi.
6. God I’m so over Oprah.
7. Don’t clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
8. Sorry I wasn’t at your graduation day love. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
9. Don’t have any kids. We all know your only maternal instinct is nursing a bottle of whiskey.
10. In response to the question “How many people have you slept with other than dad?”- “Darling, I had so many notches on my bedpost it was practically whittled down to a toothpick“.
11. Daughter, perineum is Latin for “not without an engagement ring“.
12. Can I borrow your new speed metal CD’s?
13. Nah, you don’t have to call me, I’ll eventually figure it out if you’re in trouble.
14. This new boyfriend of yours is so lovely. You should totally get his name tattooed on your butt. Shall I go ahead and schedule an appointment with Butch for tomorrow?
15. Your father has about as much charisma as a silent fart.
16. You’d best book a flight down soon. I’m going to be planning a family reunion for next month. You know it’s necessary in order to guard against incest and protect the family gene pool.
17. Have another gin and tonic my angel.
18. No love, you’d be better of rolling it like this. Here, let mommy show you.
19. Don’t worry son, you don’t need to lock your door when you’re buttering your mielie. I always knock before I enter.
20. It’s totally cool that you failed matric. I blew your university fund on drugs and booze in any case.
What would you bet your naked cartwheeling self that your mom would never say??
Tell us, we love hearing from you!
Happy Friday Springleapers!
Have an awesome weekend
Danya
